Patios Bible?

The good folks at the Kingston based Bible Society of the West Indies have decided that it would be a great idea to translate the Bible from English to patios (Jamaican dialect). Like any dialect, patois (patwa) is just a spoken language. It’s estimated to take 12 years and cost 60 million Jamaican dollars. This is just plain ridiculous if you ask me. I say use the money to increase Jamaica’s literacy rate so that more of us can read the good old King James Version. "Fada forgive dem, cause dem nuh know wha dem a do" Luke 23:34

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Lights, Camera, Action!

Here a tape, there a tape, everywhere a sex tape. Seems like Jamaicans have a new obsession, home made sex tapes. Many Jamaicans are ditching their perfectly good Nokia 3310s for high end phones. Nowadays anyone with a camera phone and a willing partner can become an amateur director/porn star. There have been a slew of “sex tapes” being circulated via the internet and bluetooth (the vehicle for local porn distribution). I'm not in a position to condemn or pass judgment, I spent close to 45 minutes of my lunch time looking for a copy of the “diary queen's exploits” online. What you do with your battery life is your business, but if you're gonna record yourself having sex why keep copies on something as accessible as your cell phone? I can't say that I'll never record myself having sex, but if I do I'd keep it even more secret than my ABM pin. Like Mission Impossible, Gussie's sex tape would self-destruct after 5 seconds of being leaked.

Escape from the Rat Race

I have been asking myself the same question over and over again for the last couple months. Today is no exception, it just came earlier than usual. “What the hell am I doing here?” I asked myself as I pulled up the emergency brake in the staff parking lot. You see I’ve been a regular contender in the rat race for some 13 years now and I’m not sure just how much more I can take. I do this primarily for the pay check and these days it’s no longer a match for my bills when the two collide on the 25th of each month. By now I had already said good morning to the security guard, made my way to my office and logged on to my computer in preparation for another so-so day. Humans have this uncanny ability to remain in jobs, relationships and situations that make us miserable. What’s my excuse? I have no kids, no car or mortgage payments, not even a goldfish to take care of. I’m just an expert procrastinator, that’s all. Well that’s about to end, I’m about to embark on a business venture that will transform me from employee to entrepreneur and guarantee me the financial independence that I long for (I’m an optimist). Entrepreneurship isn’t for everyone but it’s a move I think everyone should at least consider. Do yourself a favour and think about it, especially if like me you can't remember the last time you actually looked forward to going to work.

Gussie on Relationships

While there are countless merits to being a single man in Jamaica, every now and then I long to be in a meaningful relationship. Yours truly has no immediate plans to install his and hers towel racks or put the seat down but recently I've been taking occasional dips in the dating pool. I've come to realize that conversation is a dying art form, it has been replaced by instant messaging and text messages. Its no wonder that most relationships fail nowadays, we've simply forgotten how to communicate. Lets rewind to the relationships of yesteryear when dating was called courtship, there were no movie theaters, no internet and sex came on the sixty third date. Those were the hey days of conversation, you couldn't use movies or noisy bars as a crutch. Courtship was longer, you got a chance to “get to know”and actually become friends with the person you were seeing long before you'd get a chance to unwrap those panther condoms. Back then friendship preceded relationships, after all aren't relationships just upgraded friendships? Is your significant other your best friend?

Rain Rain Go Away

I must say that I’m relieved the rains have finally let up. Rain or twenty-toe weather (as I call it) is strictly for farmers, lovers and pharmaceutical companies. I have no crops in the field, no shares in Vicks VapoRub and there are only ten toes in my bed on most occasions. Is there any wonder why I’m not a big fan of precipitation?

9.72 WR

I’m ashamed to say that I knew absolutely nothing about the Reebok Gran Prix sprint meet held in New York yesterday. That was of course until I heard that Usain Bolt had trounced American sprinter Tyson Gay to win the 100 meters; and in doing so shaved .02 seconds off Asafa Powell’s time to become the world’s fastest man. Congrats Usian its your time to shine, you’ve paid your dues. Your surname is so appropriate; sports writers will be coming up with puns for days to come. I'm sure we'll be seeing you on Milo tins, cereal boxes and billboards all across Jamaica.