Happy New Year

As a child I often imagined what life would be like in 2009/10. For sure I’d have a closet full of unitards (like those on Star Trek), a robot dog named Astro and my very own flying car. I can attribute that to my steady diet of comics, cartoons and science fiction movies at the time. Here we are present day and even though there’s no shiny new future I’m still a dreamer who’s optimistic about the future. It is the time of year when I assess the year gone by and set attainable goals for the 2009. This new year I’ll carry forward the goals that I didn’t accomplish in 2008 and continue to preserve my sanity by maintaining the delicate balance between work and play. I also intend to focus on my health as well as my wealth and work on my relationship with the man upstairs. I urge you to make realistic resolutions so you don’t find yourself recycling them next year. 2009 is yours to claim, seize it for yourselves. Happy New Year folks, thanks for stopping by and I’ll see you next year!

Who Stole Christmas?

The Grinch isn’t even a suspect, this year we can pin it on the current economic crisis. It’s exactly one week away from Christmas day. I should be swimming in Christmas spirit or at least be waist deep in yuletide cheer by now. Somehow that’s just not the case and apparently I’m not alone. Christmas has always been a commercial holiday but who knew that the economy would have such an adverse effect on our Christmas "spirit". We may have to resort to window shopping sprees and won’t be able to leave our pepper lights on all night because of the energy bill, but let’s make this Christmas more spiritual and less commercial because God knows Jamaica needs Jesus. Let the Christmas catch you in a good mood. Happy holidays folks!

How To Steal a Beach

500 truckloads of sand disappeared without a trace from a beach in Trelawny earlier this year. Six months and thousands of man-hours later the authorities have finally arrested three persons. How do you steal a quarter mile of white sand beach and evade police for six months? That's a lot of hush money. We have witnessed one of the biggest cover-ups that Jamaica has ever seen. This should get interesting as only influential high-ranking persons could mobilize the trucks, excavators and manpower necessary to pull off this heist. I can’t wait to see how this one unfolds.

See article here

Ramping Shop

Spice: Well you haffi ram it hard, the cocky nuh fi light, damage it fi spite not because mi p*ssy tight

Vybz Kartel: Suppose mi put it pon the left, can you tek it pon the right?

Spice: Mi nipple dem a ripe sen it up inna mi tripe.

Those were a few lines from the increasingly popular single “Ramping Shop” by Vybz Kartel and Spice. For some there’s a thin line between pleasure and pain, while for others they’re synonyms. These days a man’s sexual prowess is determined by how much he can hurt his partner during sex, go figure. I like rough sex from time to time but I’m not too keen about hitting a girl’s tripe (intestines) during intercourse, disturbing stuff. The aggression in Jamaican society has finally made its way into the bedroom. I hope these song lyrics and others like them are just for “entertainment” and pure shock value.

"Mobile" Wars

Mobile companies giving away cars, how funny is that? Digicel and newcomer Claro recently rolled out their Christmas promotions. I’m a customer of the other mobile company so I don’t know how their products and services match up, but Claro has won the “mobile” war hands down. Digicel’s offering of fourteen Mini Coopers was very impressive up until Claro started giving away C-Class Mercedes Benzes. Claro is giving away nine of these German autos, one every weekend until mid-January 2009. With pockets this deep it’s just a matter of time before they loosen Digicel’s stronghold in Jamaica.

Audley Get A Clue!

Audley Shaw, the man at the helm of the nation’s finances continues to insist that our economy is safe and “not in crisis”. He claims that the Jamaican economy will be able to withstand the effects of the worsening crisis facing the global economy. Jamaica’s top foreign exchange earners are tourism, remittances and bauxite-alumina, all of which are vulnerable to global recession. After making pronouncements like this I would not trust this man to manage my Monopoly money.

Awesome Weekend

I finally took my long awaited mini vacation in Montego Bay. It’s been on the drawing board for months now simply because I was missing a key ingredient, someone to share it with. Someone I’d be willing to spend an entire weekend with, someone I’d look forward to waking up beside in the mornings, a friend and a lover. It was worth the wait because the all inclusive resort with all its amenities was more like supporting cast, an optional extra for an awesome weekend. I spent the entire three day weekend giddy with excitement not wanting to leave her side, not even for a minute. The weekend evoked long forgotten feelings and sensations in this seventies baby. It was confirmation that what I’ve been looking for in a relationship isn’t so unattainable after all. This morning I woke up alone in Kingston and while I’m sad that our private getaway is over I take pleasure in knowing that what we’ve uncovered is just beginning.

Pixie

It’s almost December and all the office Christmas activities are in full gear, the ladies are taking orders for fruit cake by the pound and people are picking their pixies. I’m not a meanie but I’ve been hoodwinked every year in this pixie nonsense. Just saying the very word leaves a sour taste in my mouth. You’d feel the same way too after buying expensive gifts like curling irons and getting coffee mugs in return, no one here has ever seen me drink coffee dammit! Bah humbug!

There's no place like home

I took two days off work last week to visit the folks in the country. It’s been a while since I’ve been home, so long the dogs have just about forgotten me, silly mongrels. It’s been fifteen years since I’ve left the nest but it still feels like home whenever I visit. My room is frozen in time and I have the tendency to momentarily forget that I’m a grown man with my own bills and responsibilities. I did my usual rituals like looking through the family albums and basking in the glory of a packed refrigerator. It was good to catch up with the folks, telephone conversations have their limitations. I really need to do this more often, I must make the time. It’s good to know there’s a familiar place that you can retreat to where you’re comfortable being yourself and the love is truly unconditional. “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came.”

LIME?

I just saw a story on the news about Cable and Wireless and their plans to rebrand their Caribbean operations to LIME (Landline, Internet, Mobile and Entertainment). This is a marketing nightmare, they can’t be serious. Do they really want to associate their products and services with a sour fruit that is the bastard of the citrus family? One wonders if they couldn’t rearrange the letters to spell something else. What does the Entertainment component mean? Do they plan launch cable TV? I hope it’s not too late to reconsider because this seems like corporate suicide.

Father Hangman?

Things are really bad in Jamaica when ministers of religion are calling for the reinstatement of capital punishment. One clergy man has even gone as far as disregarding the sixth commandment “thou shall not kill” by volunteering his services as a hangman. Personally, I am pro-death penalty and in agreement with these holy men. The government both past and present obviously have no clue how to stem the island’s high murder rate which is now spiralling out of control. We have nothing to lose, I say we give it a try. After all "If we execute murderers and there is in fact no deterrent effect, we have killed a bunch of murderers. If we fail to execute murderers, and doing so would in fact have deterred other murders, we have allowed the killing of a bunch of innocent victims. I would much rather risk the former. This, to me, is not a tough call." - John McAdams

Homie-Lover-Friend

Remember that song by R. Kelly off his 12 Play album? In many cases your homie, your lover and your friend are potentially three separate persons but if you’re really fortunate these individuals are one in the same. Isn’t that ideal, one person who can satisfy all your needs? Just imagine, she can be one of the guys when you’re hanging with your friends. The sex is so mind-blowing you feel like you’re playing the leading role in the film adaptation of “Kama Sutra”. She is your best friend, listens and understands, makes you happy and is always there for you.

Daydreaming

I’ve been having a recurring daydream for the last couple days around noon about being on a beach somewhere. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? My imagination has always been on par with substance abusers and science fiction authors so these daydreams are quite vivid. I can almost feel the rays of the sun even though I’m seated in an air conditioned office. It’s been awhile since I’ve journeyed to the edge of the island where the waves crash against the shoreline. I think it’s time I make this dream a reality.

Asafa, Run Don't Dance?

Asafa’s folks aren’t too pleased about their son doing the latest Jamaican dance moves. They were so discontented that they spoke to the good folks at the Jamaican Star who in turn published the story. Apparently doing the “Nuh Linga” and “Gully Creepa” will surely lead him down a path of destruction which will certainly culminate with his soul burning in hell for all eternity. William and Cislyn, I think that a phone call would suffice instead of emasculating and reprimanding your twenty five year old son in the public eye. Like most Jamaicans, I think it’s good to finally see him loosen up and come out of his shell, but hey I’m just some dude. I think now we have a little more insight into why Asafa is he is the way he is.

See article here

Family of Skin Bleachers?

Marcus Garvey must be turning in his grave right now. Whatever happened to "Black is Beautiful?" This is so disturbing, its things like this that make me ashamed to be Jamaican at times. There is no denying it, skin bleaching or "rubbing" is clearly an epidemic and cannot be taken lightly. If we don’t stop this foolishness bleaching will become as much a part of our culture as ackee and saltfish. I guess the family that rubs together stays together.

My Private Hell

God I hate this public sector job, I’ve been “acting” in the same position for close to two years now. I guess I shouldn’t be complaining, there are other directors and senior managers that have been acting in their positions for four or five years without appointment. No wonder they call this place Hollywood. Problem is no HR directors stay around long enough to implement a good appraisal system. I’m sick to my stomach of the customary lunch room banter about who’s sleeping with whom or who should go home on Digicel Rising Stars. I don’t know who SLR is but my co-workers sure seem to hate their/his/her guts. Who cares if Elephant Man’s Range Rover broke down in New Kingston or that Macka Diamond is getting married to some white dude or that there’s a war brewing between Ninja Man and Bounty Killer? I had no idea Ninja Man was still relevant, go figure. Apparently it isn’t worth discussing here unless its “entertainment news”. Forget about current affairs “Barack who?”

Oh how I long for an intellectual peer to converse with in this place filled with small minds. Thank god for a quick soduku or crossword puzzle after lunch to preserve my sanity. I was hoping that entrepreneurship would be my ticket out of this place but things aren’t going as quickly as I’d have liked, maybe I’m too damn impatient. Oh how I long for the day when I can put today’s date on my resignation letter just before I print, sign and hand deliver it to the HR department. For all of you stuck in the struggle, hang in there our day will come.

Twanging!

I find it so annoying when our entertainers and athletes adopt a surrogate accent and try to speak as if they were raised in the U. S. of A. I’ve listened through several bone-chilling interviews where our local accent was mangled by my fellow countrymen. I know I can’t be the only one who cringes in fear when the overseas media interviews our local celebrities. Is it really so difficult to set the patois to stun and speak legibly without resorting to twanging? Is it just Jamaicans, or do other islanders misplace their accents mere days after they land in the US?

Don't Run In

For as long as I can remember I’ve always been an impulsive person. People who know me will describe me as spontaneous and impetuous. You know the kinda guy who often learns from his mistakes and not the mistakes of others. I can’t say that it hasn’t worked for me thus far, sometimes I think people spend too much time thinking and planning and not enough time living. However, I must admit that there are times when being impulsive can actually be to your detriment. There are just some situations that call for being cautious and conscientious because there is too much at stake. Sometimes when there’s too much to lose you simply can’t rush in.

Wild Gustav?

“Wah-wah-wild Gilbert! Wicked, wicked Gilbert. Water come inna mi room mi sweep out some wid di broom...”

“...Lick dem Jah, gwaan go dweet a dem did gi di dread pork fi eat. Jook dem Jah wid storm an tundah tear off dem roof and bruk dem windah!!!”

Remember that song by Lovindeer about Hurricane Gilbert? Gilbert came to Jamaican shores some twenty years ago on September 12, 1988. I can’t help but notice the similarities, they both were formed in the latter part of the hurricane season and both names begin with the letter “G”. Let’s just hope that's where the similarities end.

Take all the necessary precautions and keep safe my friends.

Electricity, a luxury item?

The Jamaica Public Service done lost their minds! I got the shock of my life this morning when I opened my electricity bill. The amount due looked more like a phone number or the population of a small island. I live in an apartment, not a two storey house. I don’t run a funeral home or a meat shop. How can my energy bill be in excess of nine thousand dollars? Their customer care lines have been busy all morning, I suspect that even JPS employees are calling to query their bills too. Apparently electricity has become a luxury item in Jamaica. I think it’s time I get over my dislike for the smell of kerosene. Now where did I put my Home Sweet Home Lamp?

Dear Uncle Sam

Dear Uncle Sam,
Sorry to hear about the recession, I hope all is well. I am watching the Olympics on TV as I write, it’s exciting isn’t it. Let me be the first to congratulate you on your victories, this Phelps guy really cleaned house huh? You’ve always been a sore loser and I know it’s hard for you to admit that Jamaica has emerged as the new power in track and field. The Beijing Olympics have clearly shown that your dominance has come to an end. Now for Christ’s sake quit all this whining and get over it already!

P.S. I’m still upset with you for sending cousin Fitzroy to Iraq.

Gussie

Beef patties, smaller?

Is it just me, or does it to seem to you that beef patties are shrinking? They seem to be much smaller than I remember them growing up as a child. Then again, it could be simply because my hands and my appetite have gotten much bigger over the years.

More sellers than buyers

With the recent crash of OLINT, Jamaica’s premier alternative investment club many Jamaicans are bracing for the ripple effects. This coupled with increases in the price of gas and food spell dark days for many Jamaicans. Persons are forced to liquidate their assets; SUVs, real estate, jet skis and jewellery are all on the auction block. Problem is the would-be consumers of these high end commodities are in the same predicament. Simply put, there are more sellers than buyers. The only item that seems to be flying off the shelves nowadays is “For Sale” signs.

Patriotism

Jamaicans celebrated their Independence on Wednesday (August 6th). Happy forty sixth Jamaica, It seems like just yesterday that Roy Rayon won the festival song competition with “Give thanks and praises we are twenty five”. Many Jamaicans, including yours truly do not celebrate nor observe our public holidays for what they really are. To many of us, they are just "red" week days on the calendar that mean we don’t have to go to work. I think patriotism is at an all time low in the land of wood and water. How many of us know the second verse of the anthem, the pledge and are able to name all seven national heroes? I wish that more Jamaicans would embrace their heritage and culture and stop adopting American traditions and holidays. Until then I’ll try to resist the urge to pour condensed milk into the outstretched palms of the kids at my apartment complex who make the mistake to come “trick or treating” at my door.

Gussie on Relationships, Part 2

Opposites attract? That’s only true for magnets. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that a butcher and a vegetarian could never find love and live happily ever after. I just think that you and your partner have to be compatible on many levels if you are to enjoy a long lasting relationship. Physical compatibility is very important but it’s never enough to form the basis for a strong relationship. Lets face it, someone with a sense of adventure who always wants to try new things is not going to be compatible with someone who is routine and always orders the "fried chicken" no matter what else is on the menu. Now that I’m older I have come to appreciate how important relationship compatibility is to a lifetime of love and laughter. If you’re playing for keeps be sure to find someone who “gets” you, appreciates all your quirks and isn’t interested in changing you. For those of you who have found a compatible partner please count your blessings and if you’re still looking please take your time and choose wisely.

Dating 101

Men, there's more to dating than just wearing your cleanest shirt and your best cologne. Gussie aint no love guru but i have been on some great dates recently. Here are my tips for maneuvering the often treacherous muddy waters of the dating pool.

1. Strangers are way too risky, start with friends of friends. They come with recommendations and we must do our best to avoid the psycho girls out there.
2. Don't send a representative on your first date, be yourself.
3. You can't manufacture chemistry. If you didn't hit it off on the first or second date, why bother with a third?
4. For Christ's sake man, please be assertive! Don't invite a girl out on a date and then ask her where she wants to go.
5. Brush up on your conversation skills, aside from a sense of humour it's your most potent weapon.
   

Patios Bible?

The good folks at the Kingston based Bible Society of the West Indies have decided that it would be a great idea to translate the Bible from English to patios (Jamaican dialect). Like any dialect, patois (patwa) is just a spoken language. It’s estimated to take 12 years and cost 60 million Jamaican dollars. This is just plain ridiculous if you ask me. I say use the money to increase Jamaica’s literacy rate so that more of us can read the good old King James Version. "Fada forgive dem, cause dem nuh know wha dem a do" Luke 23:34

See article here

Lights, Camera, Action!

Here a tape, there a tape, everywhere a sex tape. Seems like Jamaicans have a new obsession, home made sex tapes. Many Jamaicans are ditching their perfectly good Nokia 3310s for high end phones. Nowadays anyone with a camera phone and a willing partner can become an amateur director/porn star. There have been a slew of “sex tapes” being circulated via the internet and bluetooth (the vehicle for local porn distribution). I'm not in a position to condemn or pass judgment, I spent close to 45 minutes of my lunch time looking for a copy of the “diary queen's exploits” online. What you do with your battery life is your business, but if you're gonna record yourself having sex why keep copies on something as accessible as your cell phone? I can't say that I'll never record myself having sex, but if I do I'd keep it even more secret than my ABM pin. Like Mission Impossible, Gussie's sex tape would self-destruct after 5 seconds of being leaked.

Escape from the Rat Race

I have been asking myself the same question over and over again for the last couple months. Today is no exception, it just came earlier than usual. “What the hell am I doing here?” I asked myself as I pulled up the emergency brake in the staff parking lot. You see I’ve been a regular contender in the rat race for some 13 years now and I’m not sure just how much more I can take. I do this primarily for the pay check and these days it’s no longer a match for my bills when the two collide on the 25th of each month. By now I had already said good morning to the security guard, made my way to my office and logged on to my computer in preparation for another so-so day. Humans have this uncanny ability to remain in jobs, relationships and situations that make us miserable. What’s my excuse? I have no kids, no car or mortgage payments, not even a goldfish to take care of. I’m just an expert procrastinator, that’s all. Well that’s about to end, I’m about to embark on a business venture that will transform me from employee to entrepreneur and guarantee me the financial independence that I long for (I’m an optimist). Entrepreneurship isn’t for everyone but it’s a move I think everyone should at least consider. Do yourself a favour and think about it, especially if like me you can't remember the last time you actually looked forward to going to work.

Gussie on Relationships

While there are countless merits to being a single man in Jamaica, every now and then I long to be in a meaningful relationship. Yours truly has no immediate plans to install his and hers towel racks or put the seat down but recently I've been taking occasional dips in the dating pool. I've come to realize that conversation is a dying art form, it has been replaced by instant messaging and text messages. Its no wonder that most relationships fail nowadays, we've simply forgotten how to communicate. Lets rewind to the relationships of yesteryear when dating was called courtship, there were no movie theaters, no internet and sex came on the sixty third date. Those were the hey days of conversation, you couldn't use movies or noisy bars as a crutch. Courtship was longer, you got a chance to “get to know”and actually become friends with the person you were seeing long before you'd get a chance to unwrap those panther condoms. Back then friendship preceded relationships, after all aren't relationships just upgraded friendships? Is your significant other your best friend?

Rain Rain Go Away

I must say that I’m relieved the rains have finally let up. Rain or twenty-toe weather (as I call it) is strictly for farmers, lovers and pharmaceutical companies. I have no crops in the field, no shares in Vicks VapoRub and there are only ten toes in my bed on most occasions. Is there any wonder why I’m not a big fan of precipitation?

9.72 WR

I’m ashamed to say that I knew absolutely nothing about the Reebok Gran Prix sprint meet held in New York yesterday. That was of course until I heard that Usain Bolt had trounced American sprinter Tyson Gay to win the 100 meters; and in doing so shaved .02 seconds off Asafa Powell’s time to become the world’s fastest man. Congrats Usian its your time to shine, you’ve paid your dues. Your surname is so appropriate; sports writers will be coming up with puns for days to come. I'm sure we'll be seeing you on Milo tins, cereal boxes and billboards all across Jamaica.

Have you seen her??

The black woman has been missing in action for some time now. She has been taking her styling tips from Hollywood and European fashion magazines. She’s been brainwashed into thinking that those features that define her and set her apart from all other races are no longer attractive. Suddenly dark skin is no longer attractive and voluptuous is synonymous with fat, WTF? Maybe we are to blame, our crime as men; not loving, appreciating nor complimenting our black women. Don’t just sit there while bleaching cream and diet products fly off the shelf. Let her know how much you appreciate her full lips, dark skin and full figure; let her know she’s beautiful!

Dear Doctor??

When was the last time you actually read the weekly Doctor’s Advice column in the newspaper? You know the one where he responds to the health related questions of his readers. Do you ever get the feeling that the good doctor often supplies the answers as well as the questions? I refuse to believe that any man, on discovering a sore on his penis the size of a twenty dollar coin is going to write an email and wait patiently until his response is published instead of just going to “see” a doctor. It’s not a kidney sir, you only have one penis! Oh yeah, Dear Pastor your column is just as suspect, just in case you think you’re off the hook.

"Granny" cocaine dealer busted

'worse than me deh out there' is what 76 year old Edith May replied when police asked why she was involved in drug dealing. At an age where most of her peers are filling prescriptions, Edith has opted to become a pharmacist of sorts. While i don't condone drug dealing (especially crack cocaine), that pension cheque from the NIS is never enough anyway.

See article in The STAR

Please revise the speed limits

I got a ticket for doing 71 km/h in a 50 km/h zone. Do you have idea how slow 71 km/h is? Has the speed limit been revised since the days of Morris Oxfords and Austin Cambridges? I must admit that it might have been downright dangerous and reckless for a Morris Oxford or Austin Cambridge to go barrelling down the road at 71 km/h, but let’s fast forward to 2008. We have better roads and highways, better tyres and car makers have better technology. Traction control, disc brakes and ABS were invented for Christ’s sake. I’m not sure what govt ministry or agency is responsible, but I think a revision of our speed limits is long overdue.

30 the new 20?

I’m a seventies baby, born in 1975 and I’m not sure I agree. If you’re like me you may have initially thought the “gully creeper” was a vine indigenous to ravines or gorges. What the hell happened? I used to be current; I used to be in the know. Nowadays I rely on the younger persons in my office to keep me up on the new slangs, songs and dances. While I’m not quite ready to admit that I’m getting old, I can’t agree that thirty is the new twenty. Thirty is the same old thirty.

BTW - the "gully creeper" is a dance

Thursday night at the fights

Last (Thursday) night at the Fights from firstjamaica on Vimeo.

Suddenly cable TV is no longer enough to entertain the residents of Tivoli Gardens on a Thursday night. Instead they’ve turned to street brawling, problem is a lot of the combatants are pre-teens. The bouts are somewhat organized, they wear gloves and fight in a makeshift ring. I just hope that they have to do their homework before they can street fight. I’m no social worker, neither do I have kids myself but I’m guessing that this is only going to make them even more aggressive and prone to violence than they already are. I pray that there’s prize money because I’m sure that none of these kids are on Blue Cross.

Gov't, Opposition to debate capital punishment?

Really now, what’s there to discuss? I’m guessing they’re undecided about whether it should be hanging, the electric chair or lethal injection. I say hanging, rope is cheap.

Police enforce the Noise Abatement Act

Police have begun to enforce the 2 a.m. cut-off time for weekly street dances. No complaints here, we the working class have been compromising (more like sacrificing) up until now. There are some Jamaicans who believe it or not actually need rest so that they can function at their jobs. Not all of us have the luxury of sleeping all day and partying all night. I hope this applies to church crusades with overzealous pastors with their loud PA systems.

Bachelor Cuisine

Grace, that instant porridge is an effing hit!!! I would like to thank you on behalf of all the bachelors who can’t cook but still deserve a warm meal in minutes. I aint talking about the mammas boys who have food for the week stored up in rubbermaid containers courtesy of mom. I’m talking about those of us who only have beer, butter and water in the fridge. Promote the dude who came up with this, give him the office with a view so he can come up with some more "just add water" bachelor cuisine.

MEGAMART, a cult?

How else do you explain the parking lot always being full, even in the middle of the week during working hours, even with the recent hike in meat and food prices? With the current state of our economy how else can you explain the long lines at the cashier full of middle aged women with trolleys filled to the brim as if they were shopping for an orphanage. Trolleys laden with items that have increased in price by up to 30% since the beginning of last month. I’m not a regular grocery shopper but I’m yet to see the big price difference between them and a regular supermarket. What keeps these shoppers coming back? Just think about it, that’s all I’m saying.