From the mouth of Gussie Clarke

Comedy: Hitler Reacts To Usain Bolt Breaking 100m World Record

2009-08-25T09:20:00.009-05:00

A jury of my peers will all agree that this is hilarious!

The Sky Is Falling!

2009-08-12T17:04:00.008-05:00

I can’t recall ever being this happy to see water falling from the sky. I had to open my office window and waste the precious AC just to see, hear and smell the rain for myself. I pray this signals the end of the drought that we’ve been experiencing in the land of wood and water. Maybe now the National Water Commission (NWC) will forgo their gestapo-like regulations that threatened to imprison anyone caught watering their lawn or washing their motor vehicle. Can you imagine a thirty day sentence for using metered water that you’ve paid for? The NWC should be this vigilant when it comes to fixing broken water mains, leaky stand-pipes and fire hydrants. That said, I hope much of this rain finds its way to the various water catchment areas that supply the Hermitage Dam which is now below 30 percent of its capacity. I’m sure that this isn’t the first time our island has been affected by severe drought conditions and it won’t be the last. The suits at the NWC need to be more proactive and build more dams, afterall water is life. Both the Mona Reservoir and Hermitage Dam were built by the British prior to our independence and I doubt we’ve built any since we took down the Union Jack back in 1962.

See article here

Sumfest, The Real Review

2009-07-28T16:54:00.014-05:00

I’m sure you’ve seen other articles in the media that have focused primarily on the performances at this year’s Reggae Sumfest. This review comes to you from the other side of the VIP/Press barrier. I attended International Night 1 on Friday night and needless to say the festival was well supported but one couldn’t help but feel that the organizers didn’t care for us, the patrons. We anticipated the inflated prices but were appalled by the full scale ban on the premium beers and stouts in Jamaica. Rumor has it that the organizers were still upset about Red Stripe’s withdrawal as title sponsor and they decided to punish them/us by banning their products from the venue. Notably absent from the bars and stalls at the venue were Red Stripe, Heineken and Guinness (all bottled and distributed in Jamaica by Red Stripe). They were replaced with Trinidadian import Carib Beer, Mackesons Stout and Jagra “with horny goat weed”. Just try ordering a Redbull and Guinness and you surely be served a Mackesons and Monster Energy drink. For some of us, having a few bottles of our favourite beer is an important part of the whole experience. Imagine a Jamaican reggae festival without the great Jamaican Beer, Tomfoolery! Thank god for a few brave vendors, members of "the resistance” who walked through the crowd and sold the contraband from crates and buckets. The show was also plagued by shoddy production. We were subjected to lengthy band changes that were at times longer than many of the performances. In previous years it was usual and customary for sound systems to entertain us during the band changes and keep our energy levels up between performances. This year we were treated to dead air, corny MCs and advertisements as if it were at intermission during the movies. The organizers undoubtedly still have a great product but they need to settle their beef and ensure that the patrons don’t get caught in the crossfire.

Jackson One for Sumfest

2009-07-22T13:12:00.011-05:00

Officials of Reggae Sumfest announced that this year’s staging of the annual reggae festival would be dedicated to late pop icon Michael Jackson and that the remaining members of legendary group, the Jackson Five were to attend/perform. They were slated for International Night 2 on Saturday July 25. This would be their second performance in the island. The Jackson Five was the opening act for Bob Marley and the Wailers at the National Stadium back in 1975. We are now receiving conflicting stories about their attendance in the days leading up to the festival. Jermaine Jackson, the only brother with a post Jackson Five career insisted that the family was not even coming to Jamaica in interviews with TMZ and E! Online. Subsequently one of the shows directors, Robert Russell, told The Gleaner that Tito Jackson is the only one confirmed to perform. Even Prime Minister Bruce Golding got involved, he spoke with Tito and received a correspondence confirming his performance. So it seems that the headline act has dwindled from the Jackson Four to the Jackson One. I don’t know how many Jamaicans were duped into buying pre-sold tickets in anticipation of seeing the Jacksons perform, but I’m sure they’re upset. At least they’ll get a chance to see other stellar acts like Mackie Conscious, Sophia Squire and Romain Virgo, the 2007 Digicel Rising Stars winner as consolation.

Occupational Hazards

2009-07-16T19:27:00.010-05:00

Blogosphere please forgive me for I have not blogged, it’s been thirteen days since my last post. I’ve been spending far too much time at work lately, and these days work is especially hazardous to my health. I work at one of the islands larger hospitals. Jamaica recorded its second swine flu death on Thursday and the number of confirmed cases in the island’s medical institutions has climbed to forty two. I wasn’t really concerned until some coworkers started wearing masks. Now I can’t help but worry about the potential of a swine flu outbreak. Health professionals claim that it will only get worse in the cooler months following the summer. This is compounded by the fact that Jamaicans, especially us men are reluctant to go to a doctor or seek medical attention. It is common in our culture to attribute every ailment to either stress or gas. Rest, bush-tea and Immuno-gizer are seen as viable alternatives to conventional medicine. I don't want to be a statistic. This Jamaican is reading up on the side effects of Tamiflu, avoiding people with flu-like symptoms and stocking up on hand sanitizer. I wonder if those swine flu masks are “one size fits all”

Last night the AC saved my life

2009-07-03T18:22:00.007-05:00

My air conditioning unit at home is like fine china, only used on special occasions. On warmer nights I’ve always been able to resist the temptation to turn it on because of the resulting increase in my electricity bill. Last night my survival instinct didn’t allow me to be so frugal. My options were to either drown in my own sweat or set aside some extra money for the energy bill. Needless to say I fell asleep wrapped in my sheets while listening to the soothing humming of the AC unit outside my bedroom window. I fear I may have already developed a dependency. I probably say this every year, but this has got to be the hottest summer that I’ve ever experienced. Cold water has never tasted so good. If Jamaicans are complaining about the heat and humidity then someone should warn tourists about the searing temperature this summer. Visitors to Jamaica, If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. Be particularly alert for thieves but do not offer resistance in the event of an attempted robbery. But trust me on the sunscreen.

Judge a Book by its Cover

2009-06-24T00:39:00.014-05:00

Is any Ponzi Schemer’s library really complete without a copy of Greed INC and License to Steal? Carlos Hill, the embattled boss of the failed Cash Plus investment scheme doesn’t seem to think so. Both books were found by liquidators after he vacated his three-storey residence in the upscale neighborhood of East Armour Heights last week. This is just one of his many properties that are to be liquidated to repay clients of his failed investment scheme. Mr. Hill quite possibly formulated his plan to swindle an entire nation while rifling through the pages of these texts. He would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling folks at the Financial Services Commission.

See article here

Music Video Premiere: Alone

2009-06-10T22:25:00.014-05:00

I’ve embedded a copy of Tony Rebel’s music video for his latest single “Alone”. With lyrics like “I like it alone, more than a miserable home” it’s the new soundtrack for failed relationships everywhere, something we can all relate to. The song is on Jamplified Records one-drop Movements Riddim, hats off to Rick for the brilliant production. I spent one day on the set and learned that the sun is the hottest when it’s in the middle of the sky, it takes several hours and multiple retakes to arrive at a three minute music video and finally, black people do tan. After seeing the finished product, it was all worth it in the end. It was also a pleasure meeting veteran roots reggae icon Tony Rebel.

The Alpha Male: An Endangered Species

2009-06-05T16:18:00.013-05:00

I pride myself with being very masculine, I consider myself an Alpha Male. I’m not an extremist so I don’t have a beard like Chuck Norris, I can’t open a 3 star ratchet merely by swinging my forearm and I don’t open my beer with my teeth. I was born in 1975 and grew up during a time when blue was for boys and pink was for girls, with no exceptions. My father was the very epitome of masculinity. I can still remember the smell of his Big Wheel and Old Spice colognes, the very fragrance of manliness. He was the head of the household, emanated quiet confidence and had “swagger” long before the name was coined. He was, and still is a very cool dude. Come to think of it, all the men that played a part in my upbringing were very manly. It is for this reason that I have such a hard time adjusting to this new species of Jamaican male who insist on blurring the gender lines. What’s the deal with wearing pants so tight you have to carry your wallet and keys in your hands? When did it become fashionable for men to bleach their skin and tweeze their eyebrows? Who is importing the scarves into the country? I need answers! By comparison more and more Jamaican men are beginning to make Boy George look like a ragamuffin. I have no problem with grooming but please don’t go overboard. If you take away the mane how will you differentiate between the king of the jungle and one of his lionesses?

Yesterday was January

2009-06-02T00:30:00.009-05:00

"Time flies", so cliché yet so very true these days. Can you believe that we’re almost half way through 2009? Last time I checked 60 minutes was still an hour and 24 hours was still equivalent to one earth day, yet here we are in June the sixth calendar month. I had so many plans for the “new year” but June still finds me doing battle with my proverbial arch nemesis, procrastination. Time is what we want most, but…what we use worst. Jaded by past misadventures in entrepreneurship I’m like the hunter that is more interested in the thrill of the hunt than actually firing a single shot. While it appears that I’ve lost the battle, I can only hope to win the war against procrastination. A coworker once told me that ideas are like parasites "they move from host to host", so once again I’ve recommitted myself and am determined to implement any one of my viable business ideas. Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely. Experience teaches me that time waits for no man and that...tomorrow is December.

Illegal Pedestrian Crossings

2009-05-26T17:47:00.006-05:00

I didn’t take long for me to figure out what the more “industrious” Kingstonians were doing yesterday. The winner, and still most popular Labour Day project in the corporate area is...drum roll please…painting illegal pedestrian crossings across the nation’s thoroughfares. I passed three such suspect pedestrian crossings on the way to work this morning. Though traditionally a job for the National Works Agency (NWA) it has become a favourite Labour Day activity in most communities. Who cares about the legitimacy, feasibility, safety and whatnot? Jamaica is quite possibly the only country where citizens can paint their own pedestrian crossings wherever they damn well feel like without consequence.

Review: Digicel Electronics Expo 2009

2009-05-20T15:20:00.008-05:00

I went to the Digicel Electronics Expo held at the Hilton Kingston on Saturday. While I didn’t expect to see any alien technology, I was hoping for a little more than the usual suspects (flat screen TVs, game consoles and car stereo equipment). I was a little disappointed because I can see these things on any given day if I visit the plazas. I questioned the organizer’s decision to include an insurance company, car dealer, day spa and credit union (Globe, New Line, Adam & Eve and COK) as exhibitors at an electronics expo. I also thought the legion of scantily clad twelve year old promotion girls was inappropriate. I found the surveillance (IP cameras) and vehicle tracking product offerings from Digiview Security Systems particularly interesting. Entertainment included body painting, a magician, live shows and performances. The only thing missing was the cotton candy. This marriage of school fair and electronics expo was well promoted and well attended. Sadly, It would’ve only been worthwhile for techies if they brought along their entire family.

$5,000 Bank Note

2009-05-15T16:05:00.014-05:00

The $1,000 bill just lost its position as the “high note” in Jamaica. The Bank of Jamaica (BOJ) has announced plans to issue a $5,000 bank note in September. The note will bear the portrait of late former Prime Minister Hugh Lawson Shearer. Is the new note justified? Is there any other reason for the new note besides commemorating the life of the late prime minister? That can easily be achieved by naming a school, park or a highway after him. Generally the premise for a higher note is because the current one has lost its purchasing power and no longer carries the same value. Yet local financial analysts insist that the new note isn’t an indication that our economy is headed in the same direction of other countries with very high inflation rates and equally high-value notes. The highest denomination of currency for other Caribbean territories like Trinidad, Barbados and Cuba is $100. The Jamaican government has just announced to the world that our economy is on life support. What message are we sending to the global financial community and potential investors? No point in objecting now, it’s already a done deal they’ve already made the stencil, ordered the ink and paper. Now if they would just do us all a favor and discontinue some of these damn coins.

See article here

Pet Peeves

2009-05-13T16:16:00.004-05:00

A pet peeve is a minor annoyance that can instill great frustration in a very small group of people, yet is experienced by everyone. I’ve listed a few of mine, they aren’t enough to change Bruce Banner into his alter ego but they sure do get under my skin.

Street boys and junkies. “No, Don’t Wipe It!” How many times have you screamed that to windscreen wipers at stoplights and intersections in the corporate area? I’m becoming less tolerable of these junior extortionists who insist on spraying soapy water all over my windscreen and then charging me for a service that I didn’t ask for. I’m just as annoyed by persons who wash your car without asking during the fifteen minutes you spent in the KFC and then demand money.
People who spend “forever” in ABM machines. You don’t need five minutes, even if your PIN is twenty characters long.
People who wait until they’re in front of the cashier at fast food restaurants before they look up at the menu board to decide what combo they want. Why didn’t you decide while you were waiting in line?
Tattoos on breasts. Why would you deface works of art? That’s like drawing a mouthstache on the Mona Lisa. Ever considered a hickey?
Unsolicited text messages from my mobile carrier. LIME, I’m not interested in subscribing for your silly Blingback tunes!

What are your pet peeves?

Tax, a four letter word

2009-04-28T16:47:00.010-05:00

In Jamaica nothing can be said to be certain except death, taxes and more recently debt and/or death by taxes. The Golding Administration has finally released the list of the previously tax-free goods and services that are now subject to GCT. Literate chicken farmers with asthma, who lease land, are thinking of buying a stand-by generator and need to have their goods transported to the market to earn some money to repair their tractors are going to be the hardest hit.

Here are 7 of 59 goods and services that will now attract GCT.

Brochures, pamphlets and leaflets for religious purposes and books other than schoolbooks and booklets.
Animal feeds (excluding pet food) reinstated as zero-rated
The rental or lease of land used for agricultural purposes or as a building site.
All drugs used primarily in the treatment of asthma
Apparatus or machinery designed to produce motive power, heat, light or electricity through the utilization of renewable sources of energy, for example, sun, wind and water.
Transportation of goods within Jamaica.
Repairs to agricultural equipment, tractors, implements, and aircraft and vessels used in international transportation.

Jamaicans have been protesting against the recent taxes imposed by the Government. Police have been busy clearing several roadblocks across the corporate area from as early as 8am. I’m not going to take any chances, I think its time I get home.

There’s a hole in the budget

2009-04-22T15:30:00.015-05:00

There’s a hole in the budget, dear Bruce, dear Bruce
Then fix it dear Audley, dear Audley, dear Audley
With what should I fix it, dear Bruce, dear Bruce?
With taxes dear Audley, with taxes of course!

The Golding Administration has no intention to borrow to finance the 55-billion dollar shortfall in their 548-billon dollar 2009/10 budget. You don’t have to be an economist to know that this can only be achieved by increasing revenue/taxes. Adjusting General Consumption Tax and imposing a cess/tax on gasoline are most likely to head the list. Ironically this month marks the 10-year anniversary of the April gas riots in Jamaica, in 1999. Jamaicans took to the streets to protest the imposition of a gas tax by the then government, shutting down the country for four days. A reintroduction of a gas tax coupled with the hardships being experienced as a result of the current economic crisis would surely ignite wide-scale public protest. We won’t know for sure until tomorrow when the Finance Minister, Audley Shaw opens the 2009/10 budget debate. Maybe I should full my tank on the way home. Stay tuned to your radios folks.

Jamaican Hijacker?

2009-04-20T13:51:00.006-05:00

I just had to remove “Jamaican airplane hijacker” from my list of things that I’ll never live to see. Twenty-year-old Stephen Fray somehow walked in off the streets and got past all the security checks at the Sangster’s International Airport in Montego Bay, all while carrying a loaded gun. He then made his way to the runway, boarded CanJet Flight 918 and held the crew and 140 passengers hostage. Fortunately no one was harmed in the eight-hour standoff but the damage to our already ailing tourism sector and reputation is irreparable. The international media is going to have a field day with this one. In addition to being stereotyped as always having drugs in our luggage and our tummies Jamaicans are now terrorists. We are going to be subjected so much scrutiny, security checks and searches when we travel that its best we just turn up to the airport naked and put on our clothes after we’ve boarded the flight.

See article here

Easter Recap

2009-04-17T15:32:00.004-05:00

This was probably the first Easter that I didn’t have any bun and cheese, not counting the two slices I had at my aunt’s house on Good Friday. Like most Kingstonians, the misses and I spent the Easter holidays outside of city limits. Ocho Rios was the destination of choice, it was a party weekend and all the hotels were fully booked. We stayed at Rooms Resorts and it never ceases to amaze me how inhospitable and indifferent hotel staff can be to their fellow countrymen. Haven’t they heard about the global recession? That aside, I got my annual single-dose of soca music at Beach Jouvert on Saturday. Unlike dancehall you don’t need to know the latest dance moves, wear the latest fashion nor be concerned with anything besides having fun. Machel Montano headlined and although his set was geared towards the ladies (thank god for his backup dancers) he gave an energizing and tireless performance. I was never big on bachannal but Jouvert delivered as it usually does. I spent the rest of the weekend mostly in bed, leaving the property only for food. This Easter I managed to strike the perfect balance between rest and recreation. Even now as I reminisce I’m gazing at the calendar looking for another opportunity to leave the city for a few days and head to the coast.

Freeze it Bruce, freeze it!

2009-04-09T16:22:00.002-05:00

Public sector workers may have to forego the 7 per cent salary increase due to them this month. The Golding administration has reneged on the terms of the latest Memorandum of Understanding and proposes a wage freeze in the public sector. The wage freeze is the latest consequence of the current economic downturn. Prime Minister Bruce Golding has warned that honouring the increase would result in the dismissal of 22,000 public sector employees. Trade union leaders are incensed and allege that it was a unilateral decision by the Prime Minister. While this civil servant is leaning towards the proposed wage freeze, I recognize that there’s no guarantee it will result in increased job security. I’m for any measure that will avert massive job cuts. I can only hope that when the dust settles the government and the trade unions will find some middle ground that will be in the best interest of public sector employees.

See article here

Achoo!

2009-04-05T19:38:00.012-05:00

I was on a steady diet of orange juice and Theraflu this weekend. My appetite is on hiatus, a sure sign that I’m still sick. It’s been two days since I’ve craved the meat of the chicken, unheard of. The flu virus went stealth and somehow got past my usually impregnable immune system. I wasn’t spared any of the usual symptoms. What lousy timing, this has disrupted the delicate balance between rest and recreation that I so diligently strive to maintain every weekend. Even though Monday is upon me I take great solace in knowing that this is a short week, followed by a four day weekend. Fortunately it won’t be long before I can take my revenge on all this downtime and "jump up and tay lay lay". Have a great week folks.

Chin Up Gussie

2009-03-25T16:00:00.001-05:00

Forgive me readers for I have not blogged, its been ten days since my last post. I’ve been so preoccupied with the effects of the economic downturn and the random acts of foolery (and thuggery) happening in Jamaica lately. It’s such a challenge to remain positive when everyone you converse with is a harbinger of doom. I have never wholly subscribed to the “product of your environment” ideology but I’m willing to admit that all this cynicism is beginning to influence my thoughts and emotions. I am definitely going to need a stronger form of escapism if I’m to maintain my sunny disposition in these trying times. I don’t want to complain about the thorns instead of just smelling the roses.

Gussie does Sigma 2009

2009-03-15T21:58:00.005-05:00

I was up by 6am, unheard of for a Sunday morning. This was my first competitive event since sports day in high school. The 11th annual Sigma Corporate Run was to be my triumphant return to the winner’s circle. Weeks of intense training were to culminate in one race. We joined the sea of runners in New Kingston all dressed in their company tees. Corporate Jamaica was well represented, from the seasoned runner to the couch potato. Prior to the race Team Gussie was busy taking pictures and updating facebook statuses. The race started on time at 7:30am (I hear it always does) and we all jostled for position as we made our way up Knutsford Boulevard. Fueled by pride I managed to run all the way up to the 2K point at the intersection of Waterloo and West Kings House Roads. Unfortunately, like Achilles’ heel and Samson’s hair I was betrayed by my weakness, “flat feet”. Running soon became a brisk walk, which at times turned into a leisurely stroll. By now the fitter members of Team Gussie had disappeared up Winchester Road. There were times when I had to dig into my reserves to avoid being passed by senior citizens and mere kids. Shortly after passing the 4K mark I could faintly hear the voice of my sensei telling me to remember all my training and not to bring shame to my dojo. I was joined by my training partner and we both managed to ignore the pain and sprint all the way to the finish line. After refueling it was announced that “we” were able to raise $14.2 million for the Bustamante Hospital for Children and other paediatric wards across the island. Kudos to the organizers, it’s a worthy cause and I’m pleased to have participated. One foot rub and several hours of sleep later I heard that the results were available online. I finished in just over 44 minutes, just two minutes above the average time. I'm thrilled with my performance, not bad for my first marathon.

Faeces In Fertiliser?!?

2009-03-05T10:41:00.007-05:00

What’s this I hear about the Jamaican Government importing cheap fertiliser containing unprocessed human faeces? The first suspect batch of fertiliser arrived in the island four months ago. Presently it’s just an allegation made by the Opposition spokesman on agriculture Roger Clarke. His claim is being strongly refuted by Agriculture Minister Christopher Tufton. The shit has hit the farm! I’m going to immediately revise my diet while they go at it in Parliament and in the media.

The next time I’m in front of a Burger King cashier my order is going to sound like this: “Can I have a number two please? No pickles, no onions, no lettuce, no tomatoes, no cucumbers, no fries. Just give me the buns, bacon strips and the beef patty”

See Observer article

I Reminisce…

2009-03-03T18:17:00.007-05:00

I spent a good portion of the afternoon reminiscing about my childhood days growing up in St. Elizabeth. Remember when it was okay to be a child and there was no fascination with grown up stuff? A stark contrast from what obtains in today’s Jamaica. The good old days when little boys were gentlemen in training and little girls didn’t have perms but wore ribbons in their hair. I remember:

Breaking the coconut and grating the meat so mom could make rice and peas for Sunday dinner.
Listening out for the ice cream man on Sunday afternoon.
Doing the Uncle Art’s puzzles at the back of the comic strip in the Sunday Magazine.
Looking forward to my huge mug of Horlicks in the morning.
Stealing sips of Bailey’s Irish cream from the liquor cabinet.
Mastering the “pause” and “record” buttons so I could record songs off American Top 40 with Shadoe Stevens.
Rewinding TDK 90 minute cassettes with a pen to save my Walkman batteries.
Waiting for TV to sign-on in the evenings. Remember when TV would actually sign-off? Oh the horror!
Wondering how many times I’d hear Dennis Hall’s dry cough in today’s episode of Schools Challenge Quiz.
Wondering why my parents would bring umbrellas even though Roy Forrester clearly said it would be sunny.
Spending hours in the library doing homework. Back then Google was known as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
Greeting everyone and I mean everyone with Good Morning, Good Afternoon or Good Evening, lest it be said that Mrs. Clarke’s son nuh have no manners. An offence punishable by beating.

Enough Already!

2009-02-19T16:16:00.010-05:00

The church has weighed in and cast their two cents into the ongoing debate about the purification of dancehall music. They are calling for a ban on street and community dances, particularly those where explicit lyrics are being played. I have no beef with carnival but I can’t understand how it manages to get corporate sponsorship, government approval, live TV broadcasts, police escorts and have major thoroughfares locked down on one of the the holiest days in the Christian calendar. Everyone is taking a swipe at dancehall these days. I guess it’s easier for corporate Jamaica, the church and the government to blame dancehall music for all the ills in society instead of their own shortcomings. I agree that a lot of the song lyrics are a little disturbing at times and inappropriate for wholesale public consumption but lets not get carried away. A lot of the persons who are up in arms have never even heard Ramping Shop or a "daggering" song. The government is quick to sponsor a jazz festival to the tune of USD500,000 as if this is New Orleans. Dancehall music/culture has the potential to be our biggest foreign exchange earner so lets invest in it. Stop trying to distract us from the real issues facing Jamaica. Please call off this witch-hunt.

Gussie Goes Walking

2009-02-10T22:39:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I laced up my pumas for my first trek up Widcombe. Prior to this all my extracurricular activities were done behind closed doors and in the horizontal position. I’ve been procrastinating about this for months now and finally accepted a last minute invite by a friend of mine. We got there shortly after 5pm and joined the countless other Kingstonians who’ve been infected by the fitness bug. I knew it was uphill but didn’t know that I’d have to be bitten by a radioactive spider before attempting this walk. The air was clean and the vegetation made me forget I was still in the corporate area. That was until I got to the top and was able to gaze down at the city. The trek ended where the road ended, in a cul-de-sac. I caught my breath, crowned myself king of the hill and pat myself on the back, all while humming “eye of the tiger”. After touching some bamboo shoots, which I was “told” is customary to signify the end of the journey we proceeded downhill. That’s when the Deja vus began, or as I later discovered some of these people actually climb this hill more than once. The walk down was harder than I expected, I thought about getting KFC but ruled it out as a conflict of interests. Soon it was over and I was pleased with my performance, I’m not as out of shape as I had thought. If I keep this up the Sigma 5K is going to be a breeze. I came, I saw and I conquered!

Introducing Me

2009-02-05T21:07:00.006-05:00

I knew it wouldn’t be long before “25 Random Things” mania would somehow make its way off facebook and infect the blogosphere. I was tagged by the good folks over there at Stunner’s Afflictions and accepted the challenge to document and share twenty five random things about me.

Gussie.....

is the son of a preacher man
hates public speaking and doesn’t like to be the center of attention
was once obsessed with uncovering KFC ‘s secret recipe
loves a big butt and a smile
hates books without pictures
is a momma’s boy
is a spontaneous, adventurous, alpha male who loves the outdoors
only watches black porn
is a hopeless romantic who loves to be in love
looks forward to marriage and often daydreams about it
had a huge crush on lauryn hill
collects car and GQ magazines
buys his shirts one size too small
prefers sex with the lights on. I almost insist on it
has a slight lisp
prefers boxer briefs but often goes commando
only owns one pair of sneakers
is a slave to his appetite, i love to eat
is lost without his blackberry
prefers pepsi over coke, there’s no comparison really
is short tempered. I’m all dynamite and no fuse
loves to laugh and make others laugh
dislikes the sound of his own voice, no personalized voice mail for me
loves the arts and recently took up painting
is his own worst critic

On Second Thought...

2009-02-02T02:47:00.008-05:00

It wasn’t so long ago that I referred to my job as my private hell. It’s still my least favourite place to spend eight hours a day but these days I’m far more appreciative. What a difference a few months and global recession can make? Public sector jobs seem to be more resilient to recession than those in the private sector. Companies dropping the axe include Air Jamaica; more than 600, ALUMINIA Partners of Jamaica, 250; Gleaner Company, 70 and Jamaica Money Market Brokers Limited, 50. These numbers are very disturbing and depressing even to a "silver lining finding", "opportunity in adversity seeking", elder optimist like me. With so many Jamaicans becoming causalities of redundancies and job cuts this civil servant now thinks of his cup as half full instead of half empty.

Sex in Recession

2009-01-21T16:22:00.010-05:00

Sex sells but not as much as it used to. Not even the Jamaican sex industry is recession-proof, it’s the latest casualty of the current economic crisis. Though far more resilient than other industries it isn’t immune to the economics of supply and demand. Prostitutes and sensual massage parlours have seen a 50% decline in profits and clientele. A sensual massage usually comes in second when it’s up against gas for the car, food for the table or lunch money for the kids. Jamaican sex workers are scrambling to retain customers by offering a 33% reduction in their hourly rates, from J$1,500 to J$1,000. You know it’s bad when you can buy sex for the price of a pizza or a bucket of fried chicken.

See article here

Adios G-G

2009-01-14T19:34:00.008-05:00

Sir Kenneth Hall, Jamaica’s Governor General has retired. I forgot that we even had a G-G and was only reminded when I read the article about him stepping down. No disrespect to Sir Kenneth but is this position still relevant? What’s his role in Jamaica’s political landscape? I liken the G-G to an introverted co-worker who you only see when there’s a fire drill. Seriously, what does the G-G do besides visit hospitals, read the queen’s Christmas message at Christmas time and kiss beauty queens? If you’re a seventies baby like me you’ll remember former G-G, Sir Florizel Glasspole who was a serial kisser of beauty pageant contestants. Does Jamaica really need a local representative for Queen Elizabeth II? I think its full time we make this position redundant.

Happy New Year

2008-12-28T18:33:00.003-05:00

As a child I often imagined what life would be like in 2009/10. For sure I’d have a closet full of unitards (like those on Star Trek), a robot dog named Astro and my very own flying car. I can attribute that to my steady diet of comics, cartoons and science fiction movies at the time. Here we are present day and even though there’s no shiny new future I’m still a dreamer who’s optimistic about the future. It is the time of year when I assess the year gone by and set attainable goals for the 2009. This new year I’ll carry forward the goals that I didn’t accomplish in 2008 and continue to preserve my sanity by maintaining the delicate balance between work and play. I also intend to focus on my health as well as my wealth and work on my relationship with the man upstairs. I urge you to make realistic resolutions so you don’t find yourself recycling them next year. 2009 is yours to claim, seize it for yourselves. Happy New Year folks, thanks for stopping by and I’ll see you next year!

Who Stole Christmas?

2008-12-18T16:40:00.007-05:00

The Grinch isn’t even a suspect, this year we can pin it on the current economic crisis. It’s exactly one week away from Christmas day. I should be swimming in Christmas spirit or at least be waist deep in yuletide cheer by now. Somehow that’s just not the case and apparently I’m not alone. Christmas has always been a commercial holiday but who knew that the economy would have such an adverse effect on our Christmas "spirit". We may have to resort to window shopping sprees and won’t be able to leave our pepper lights on all night because of the energy bill, but let’s make this Christmas more spiritual and less commercial because God knows Jamaica needs Jesus. Let the Christmas catch you in a good mood. Happy holidays folks!

How To Steal a Beach

2008-12-15T01:43:00.009-05:00

500 truckloads of sand disappeared without a trace from a beach in Trelawny earlier this year. Six months and thousands of man-hours later the authorities have finally arrested three persons. How do you steal a quarter mile of white sand beach and evade police for six months? That's a lot of hush money. We have witnessed one of the biggest cover-ups that Jamaica has ever seen. This should get interesting as only influential high-ranking persons could mobilize the trucks, excavators and manpower necessary to pull off this heist. I can’t wait to see how this one unfolds.

See article here

Ramping Shop

2008-12-12T02:54:00.009-05:00

Spice: Well you haffi ram it hard, the cocky nuh fi light, damage it fi spite not because mi p*ssy tight

Vybz Kartel: Suppose mi put it pon the left, can you tek it pon the right?

Spice: Mi nipple dem a ripe sen it up inna mi tripe.

Those were a few lines from the increasingly popular single “Ramping Shop” by Vybz Kartel and Spice. For some there’s a thin line between pleasure and pain, while for others they’re synonyms. These days a man’s sexual prowess is determined by how much he can hurt his partner during sex, go figure. I like rough sex from time to time but I’m not too keen about hitting a girl’s tripe (intestines) during intercourse, disturbing stuff. The aggression in Jamaican society has finally made its way into the bedroom. I hope these song lyrics and others like them are just for “entertainment” and pure shock value.

"Mobile" Wars

2008-12-08T11:35:00.007-05:00

Mobile companies giving away cars, how funny is that? Digicel and newcomer Claro recently rolled out their Christmas promotions. I’m a customer of the other mobile company so I don’t know how their products and services match up, but Claro has won the “mobile” war hands down. Digicel’s offering of fourteen Mini Coopers was very impressive up until Claro started giving away C-Class Mercedes Benzes. Claro is giving away nine of these German autos, one every weekend until mid-January 2009. With pockets this deep it’s just a matter of time before they loosen Digicel’s stronghold in Jamaica.

Audley Get A Clue!

2008-11-25T12:10:00.007-05:00

Audley Shaw, the man at the helm of the nation’s finances continues to insist that our economy is safe and “not in crisis”. He claims that the Jamaican economy will be able to withstand the effects of the worsening crisis facing the global economy. Jamaica’s top foreign exchange earners are tourism, remittances and bauxite-alumina, all of which are vulnerable to global recession. After making pronouncements like this I would not trust this man to manage my Monopoly money.

Awesome Weekend

2008-11-24T12:44:00.006-05:00

I finally took my long awaited mini vacation in Montego Bay. It’s been on the drawing board for months now simply because I was missing a key ingredient, someone to share it with. Someone I’d be willing to spend an entire weekend with, someone I’d look forward to waking up beside in the mornings, a friend and a lover. It was worth the wait because the all inclusive resort with all its amenities was more like supporting cast, an optional extra for an awesome weekend. I spent the entire three day weekend giddy with excitement not wanting to leave her side, not even for a minute. The weekend evoked long forgotten feelings and sensations in this seventies baby. It was confirmation that what I’ve been looking for in a relationship isn’t so unattainable after all. This morning I woke up alone in Kingston and while I’m sad that our private getaway is over I take pleasure in knowing that what we’ve uncovered is just beginning.

Pixie

2008-11-20T15:47:00.003-05:00

It’s almost December and all the office Christmas activities are in full gear, the ladies are taking orders for fruit cake by the pound and people are picking their pixies. I’m not a meanie but I’ve been hoodwinked every year in this pixie nonsense. Just saying the very word leaves a sour taste in my mouth. You’d feel the same way too after buying expensive gifts like curling irons and getting coffee mugs in return, no one here has ever seen me drink coffee dammit! Bah humbug!

There's no place like home

2008-11-11T10:40:00.003-05:00

I took two days off work last week to visit the folks in the country. It’s been a while since I’ve been home, so long the dogs have just about forgotten me, silly mongrels. It’s been fifteen years since I’ve left the nest but it still feels like home whenever I visit. My room is frozen in time and I have the tendency to momentarily forget that I’m a grown man with my own bills and responsibilities. I did my usual rituals like looking through the family albums and basking in the glory of a packed refrigerator. It was good to catch up with the folks, telephone conversations have their limitations. I really need to do this more often, I must make the time. It’s good to know there’s a familiar place that you can retreat to where you’re comfortable being yourself and the love is truly unconditional. “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came.”

LIME?

2008-10-31T20:47:00.007-05:00

I just saw a story on the news about Cable and Wireless and their plans to rebrand their Caribbean operations to LIME (Landline, Internet, Mobile and Entertainment). This is a marketing nightmare, they can’t be serious. Do they really want to associate their products and services with a sour fruit that is the bastard of the citrus family? One wonders if they couldn’t rearrange the letters to spell something else. What does the Entertainment component mean? Do they plan launch cable TV? I hope it’s not too late to reconsider because this seems like corporate suicide.

Father Hangman?

2008-10-22T12:28:00.002-05:00

Things are really bad in Jamaica when ministers of religion are calling for the reinstatement of capital punishment. One clergy man has even gone as far as disregarding the sixth commandment “thou shall not kill” by volunteering his services as a hangman. Personally, I am pro-death penalty and in agreement with these holy men. The government both past and present obviously have no clue how to stem the island’s high murder rate which is now spiralling out of control. We have nothing to lose, I say we give it a try. After all "If we execute murderers and there is in fact no deterrent effect, we have killed a bunch of murderers. If we fail to execute murderers, and doing so would in fact have deterred other murders, we have allowed the killing of a bunch of innocent victims. I would much rather risk the former. This, to me, is not a tough call." - John McAdams

Homie-Lover-Friend

2008-10-16T15:49:00.003-05:00

Remember that song by R. Kelly off his 12 Play album? In many cases your homie, your lover and your friend are potentially three separate persons but if you’re really fortunate these individuals are one in the same. Isn’t that ideal, one person who can satisfy all your needs? Just imagine, she can be one of the guys when you’re hanging with your friends. The sex is so mind-blowing you feel like you’re playing the leading role in the film adaptation of “Kama Sutra”. She is your best friend, listens and understands, makes you happy and is always there for you.

Daydreaming

2008-10-15T15:07:00.005-05:00

I’ve been having a recurring daydream for the last couple days around noon about being on a beach somewhere. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? My imagination has always been on par with substance abusers and science fiction authors so these daydreams are quite vivid. I can almost feel the rays of the sun even though I’m seated in an air conditioned office. It’s been awhile since I’ve journeyed to the edge of the island where the waves crash against the shoreline. I think it’s time I make this dream a reality.

Asafa, Run Don't Dance?

2008-10-08T10:08:00.010-05:00

Asafa’s folks aren’t too pleased about their son doing the latest Jamaican dance moves. They were so discontented that they spoke to the good folks at the Jamaican Star who in turn published the story. Apparently doing the “Nuh Linga” and “Gully Creepa” will surely lead him down a path of destruction which will certainly culminate with his soul burning in hell for all eternity. William and Cislyn, I think that a phone call would suffice instead of emasculating and reprimanding your twenty five year old son in the public eye. Like most Jamaicans, I think it’s good to finally see him loosen up and come out of his shell, but hey I’m just some dude. I think now we have a little more insight into why Asafa is he is the way he is.

See article here

Family of Skin Bleachers?

2008-09-25T13:11:00.016-05:00

Marcus Garvey must be turning in his grave right now. Whatever happened to "Black is Beautiful?" This is so disturbing, its things like this that make me ashamed to be Jamaican at times. There is no denying it, skin bleaching or "rubbing" is clearly an epidemic and cannot be taken lightly. If we don’t stop this foolishness bleaching will become as much a part of our culture as ackee and saltfish. I guess the family that rubs together stays together.

My Private Hell

2008-09-16T00:54:00.005-05:00

God I hate this public sector job, I’ve been “acting” in the same position for close to two years now. I guess I shouldn’t be complaining, there are other directors and senior managers that have been acting in their positions for four or five years without appointment. No wonder they call this place Hollywood. Problem is no HR directors stay around long enough to implement a good appraisal system. I’m sick to my stomach of the customary lunch room banter about who’s sleeping with whom or who should go home on Digicel Rising Stars. I don’t know who SLR is but my co-workers sure seem to hate their/his/her guts. Who cares if Elephant Man’s Range Rover broke down in New Kingston or that Macka Diamond is getting married to some white dude or that there’s a war brewing between Ninja Man and Bounty Killer? I had no idea Ninja Man was still relevant, go figure. Apparently it isn’t worth discussing here unless its “entertainment news”. Forget about current affairs “Barack who?”

Oh how I long for an intellectual peer to converse with in this place filled with small minds. Thank god for a quick soduku or crossword puzzle after lunch to preserve my sanity. I was hoping that entrepreneurship would be my ticket out of this place but things aren’t going as quickly as I’d have liked, maybe I’m too damn impatient. Oh how I long for the day when I can put today’s date on my resignation letter just before I print, sign and hand deliver it to the HR department. For all of you stuck in the struggle, hang in there our day will come.

Twanging!

2008-09-04T18:17:00.007-05:00

I find it so annoying when our entertainers and athletes adopt a surrogate accent and try to speak as if they were raised in the U. S. of A. I’ve listened through several bone-chilling interviews where our local accent was mangled by my fellow countrymen. I know I can’t be the only one who cringes in fear when the overseas media interviews our local celebrities. Is it really so difficult to set the patois to stun and speak legibly without resorting to twanging? Is it just Jamaicans, or do other islanders misplace their accents mere days after they land in the US?

Don't Run In

2008-09-01T00:09:00.002-05:00

For as long as I can remember I’ve always been an impulsive person. People who know me will describe me as spontaneous and impetuous. You know the kinda guy who often learns from his mistakes and not the mistakes of others. I can’t say that it hasn’t worked for me thus far, sometimes I think people spend too much time thinking and planning and not enough time living. However, I must admit that there are times when being impulsive can actually be to your detriment. There are just some situations that call for being cautious and conscientious because there is too much at stake. Sometimes when there’s too much to lose you simply can’t rush in.

Wild Gustav?

2008-08-28T11:19:00.008-05:00

“Wah-wah-wild Gilbert! Wicked, wicked Gilbert. Water come inna mi room mi sweep out some wid di broom...”

“...Lick dem Jah, gwaan go dweet a dem did gi di dread pork fi eat. Jook dem Jah wid storm an tundah tear off dem roof and bruk dem windah!!!”

Remember that song by Lovindeer about Hurricane Gilbert? Gilbert came to Jamaican shores some twenty years ago on September 12, 1988. I can’t help but notice the similarities, they both were formed in the latter part of the hurricane season and both names begin with the letter “G”. Let’s just hope that's where the similarities end.

Take all the necessary precautions and keep safe my friends.

Electricity, a luxury item?

2008-08-26T14:08:00.001-05:00

The Jamaica Public Service done lost their minds! I got the shock of my life this morning when I opened my electricity bill. The amount due looked more like a phone number or the population of a small island. I live in an apartment, not a two storey house. I don’t run a funeral home or a meat shop. How can my energy bill be in excess of nine thousand dollars? Their customer care lines have been busy all morning, I suspect that even JPS employees are calling to query their bills too. Apparently electricity has become a luxury item in Jamaica. I think it’s time I get over my dislike for the smell of kerosene. Now where did I put my Home Sweet Home Lamp?

Dear Uncle Sam

2008-08-19T13:15:00.002-05:00

Dear Uncle Sam,
Sorry to hear about the recession, I hope all is well. I am watching the Olympics on TV as I write, it’s exciting isn’t it. Let me be the first to congratulate you on your victories, this Phelps guy really cleaned house huh? You’ve always been a sore loser and I know it’s hard for you to admit that Jamaica has emerged as the new power in track and field. The Beijing Olympics have clearly shown that your dominance has come to an end. Now for Christ’s sake quit all this whining and get over it already!

P.S. I’m still upset with you for sending cousin Fitzroy to Iraq.

Gussie

Beef patties, smaller?

2008-08-14T14:41:00.001-05:00

Is it just me, or does it to seem to you that beef patties are shrinking? They seem to be much smaller than I remember them growing up as a child. Then again, it could be simply because my hands and my appetite have gotten much bigger over the years.

More sellers than buyers

2008-08-14T12:32:00.002-05:00

With the recent crash of OLINT, Jamaica’s premier alternative investment club many Jamaicans are bracing for the ripple effects. This coupled with increases in the price of gas and food spell dark days for many Jamaicans. Persons are forced to liquidate their assets; SUVs, real estate, jet skis and jewellery are all on the auction block. Problem is the would-be consumers of these high end commodities are in the same predicament. Simply put, there are more sellers than buyers. The only item that seems to be flying off the shelves nowadays is “For Sale” signs.

Patriotism

2008-08-08T01:48:00.005-05:00

Jamaicans celebrated their Independence on Wednesday (August 6th). Happy forty sixth Jamaica, It seems like just yesterday that Roy Rayon won the festival song competition with “Give thanks and praises we are twenty five”. Many Jamaicans, including yours truly do not celebrate nor observe our public holidays for what they really are. To many of us, they are just "red" week days on the calendar that mean we don’t have to go to work. I think patriotism is at an all time low in the land of wood and water. How many of us know the second verse of the anthem, the pledge and are able to name all seven national heroes? I wish that more Jamaicans would embrace their heritage and culture and stop adopting American traditions and holidays. Until then I’ll try to resist the urge to pour condensed milk into the outstretched palms of the kids at my apartment complex who make the mistake to come “trick or treating” at my door.

Gussie on Relationships, Part 2

2008-07-30T16:22:00.005-05:00

Opposites attract? That’s only true for magnets. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that a butcher and a vegetarian could never find love and live happily ever after. I just think that you and your partner have to be compatible on many levels if you are to enjoy a long lasting relationship. Physical compatibility is very important but it’s never enough to form the basis for a strong relationship. Lets face it, someone with a sense of adventure who always wants to try new things is not going to be compatible with someone who is routine and always orders the "fried chicken" no matter what else is on the menu. Now that I’m older I have come to appreciate how important relationship compatibility is to a lifetime of love and laughter. If you’re playing for keeps be sure to find someone who “gets” you, appreciates all your quirks and isn’t interested in changing you. For those of you who have found a compatible partner please count your blessings and if you’re still looking please take your time and choose wisely.

Dating 101

2008-07-07T15:40:00.009-05:00

Men, there's more to dating than just wearing your cleanest shirt and your best cologne. Gussie aint no love guru but i have been on some great dates recently. Here are my tips for maneuvering the often treacherous muddy waters of the dating pool.

Strangers are way too risky, start with friends of friends. They come with recommendations and we must do our best to avoid the psycho girls out there.
Don't send a representative on your first date, be yourself.
You can't manufacture chemistry. If you didn't hit it off on the first or second date, why bother with a third?
For Christ's sake man, please be assertive! Don't invite a girl out on a date and then ask her where she wants to go.
Brush up on your conversation skills, aside from a sense of humour it's your most potent weapon.

Patios Bible?

2008-06-19T16:39:00.006-05:00

The good folks at the Kingston based Bible Society of the West Indies have decided that it would be a great idea to translate the Bible from English to patios (Jamaican dialect). Like any dialect, patois (patwa) is just a spoken language. It’s estimated to take 12 years and cost 60 million Jamaican dollars. This is just plain ridiculous if you ask me. I say use the money to increase Jamaica’s literacy rate so that more of us can read the good old King James Version. "Fada forgive dem, cause dem nuh know wha dem a do" Luke 23:34

See article here

Lights, Camera, Action!

2008-06-14T23:12:00.005-05:00

Here a tape, there a tape, everywhere a sex tape. Seems like Jamaicans have a new obsession, home made sex tapes. Many Jamaicans are ditching their perfectly good Nokia 3310s for high end phones. Nowadays anyone with a camera phone and a willing partner can become an amateur director/porn star. There have been a slew of “sex tapes” being circulated via the internet and bluetooth (the vehicle for local porn distribution). I'm not in a position to condemn or pass judgment, I spent close to 45 minutes of my lunch time looking for a copy of the “diary queen's exploits” online. What you do with your battery life is your business, but if you're gonna record yourself having sex why keep copies on something as accessible as your cell phone? I can't say that I'll never record myself having sex, but if I do I'd keep it even more secret than my ABM pin. Like Mission Impossible, Gussie's sex tape would self-destruct after 5 seconds of being leaked.

Escape from the Rat Race

2008-06-11T23:00:00.007-05:00

I have been asking myself the same question over and over again for the last couple months. Today is no exception, it just came earlier than usual. “What the hell am I doing here?” I asked myself as I pulled up the emergency brake in the staff parking lot. You see I’ve been a regular contender in the rat race for some 13 years now and I’m not sure just how much more I can take. I do this primarily for the pay check and these days it’s no longer a match for my bills when the two collide on the 25th of each month. By now I had already said good morning to the security guard, made my way to my office and logged on to my computer in preparation for another so-so day. Humans have this uncanny ability to remain in jobs, relationships and situations that make us miserable. What’s my excuse? I have no kids, no car or mortgage payments, not even a goldfish to take care of. I’m just an expert procrastinator, that’s all. Well that’s about to end, I’m about to embark on a business venture that will transform me from employee to entrepreneur and guarantee me the financial independence that I long for (I’m an optimist). Entrepreneurship isn’t for everyone but it’s a move I think everyone should at least consider. Do yourself a favour and think about it, especially if like me you can't remember the last time you actually looked forward to going to work.

Gussie on Relationships

2008-06-06T00:04:00.002-05:00

While there are countless merits to being a single man in Jamaica, every now and then I long to be in a meaningful relationship. Yours truly has no immediate plans to install his and hers towel racks or put the seat down but recently I've been taking occasional dips in the dating pool. I've come to realize that conversation is a dying art form, it has been replaced by instant messaging and text messages. Its no wonder that most relationships fail nowadays, we've simply forgotten how to communicate. Lets rewind to the relationships of yesteryear when dating was called courtship, there were no movie theaters, no internet and sex came on the sixty third date. Those were the hey days of conversation, you couldn't use movies or noisy bars as a crutch. Courtship was longer, you got a chance to “get to know”and actually become friends with the person you were seeing long before you'd get a chance to unwrap those panther condoms. Back then friendship preceded relationships, after all aren't relationships just upgraded friendships? Is your significant other your best friend?

Rain Rain Go Away

2008-06-04T21:31:00.003-05:00

I must say that I’m relieved the rains have finally let up. Rain or twenty-toe weather (as I call it) is strictly for farmers, lovers and pharmaceutical companies. I have no crops in the field, no shares in Vicks VapoRub and there are only ten toes in my bed on most occasions. Is there any wonder why I’m not a big fan of precipitation?

9.72 WR

2008-06-01T00:43:00.017-05:00

I’m ashamed to say that I knew absolutely nothing about the Reebok Gran Prix sprint meet held in New York yesterday. That was of course until I heard that Usain Bolt had trounced American sprinter Tyson Gay to win the 100 meters; and in doing so shaved .02 seconds off Asafa Powell’s time to become the world’s fastest man. Congrats Usian its your time to shine, you’ve paid your dues. Your surname is so appropriate; sports writers will be coming up with puns for days to come. I'm sure we'll be seeing you on Milo tins, cereal boxes and billboards all across Jamaica.

Have you seen her??

2008-05-28T00:16:00.003-05:00

The black woman has been missing in action for some time now. She has been taking her styling tips from Hollywood and European fashion magazines. She’s been brainwashed into thinking that those features that define her and set her apart from all other races are no longer attractive. Though I’m the first to agree that natural hair isn’t for every black woman, I’m against wigs and foot long extensions. Suddenly dark skin is no longer attractive and voluptuous is synonymous with fat, WTF? Maybe we are to blame, our crime as men; not loving, appreciating nor complimenting our black women. Don’t just sit there while bleaching cream and diet products fly off the shelf. Let her know how much you appreciate her full lips, dark skin and full figure; let her know she’s beautiful!

Dear Doctor??

2008-05-25T01:34:00.005-05:00

When was the last time you actually read the weekly Doctor’s Advice column in the newspaper? You know the one where he responds to the health related questions of his readers. Do you ever get the feeling that the good doctor often supplies the answers as well as the questions? I refuse to believe that any man, on discovering a sore on his penis the size of a twenty dollar coin is going to write an email and wait patiently until his response is published instead of just going to “see” a doctor. It’s not a kidney sir, you only have one penis! Oh yeah, Dear Pastor your column is just as suspect, just in case you think you’re off the hook.

"Granny" cocaine dealer busted

2008-05-22T13:50:00.001-05:00

'worse than me deh out there' is what 76 year old Edith May replied when police asked why she was involved in drug dealing. At an age where most of her peers are filling prescriptions, Edith has opted to become a pharmacist of sorts. While i don't condone drug dealing (especially crack cocaine), that pension cheque from the NIS is never enough anyway.

See article in The STAR

Please revise the speed limits

2008-05-19T21:55:00.000-05:00

I got a ticket for doing 71 km/h in a 50 km/h zone. Do you have idea how slow 71 km/h is? Has the speed limit been revised since the days of Morris Oxfords and Austin Cambridges? I must admit that it might have been downright dangerous and reckless for a Morris Oxford or Austin Cambridge to go barrelling down the road at 71 km/h, but let’s fast forward to 2008. We have better roads and highways, better tyres and car makers have better technology. Traction control, disc brakes and ABS were invented for Christ’s sake. I’m not sure what govt ministry or agency is responsible, but I think a revision of our speed limits is long overdue.

30 the new 20?

2008-05-16T14:30:00.000-05:00

I’m a seventies baby, born in 1975 and I’m not sure I agree. If you’re like me you may have initially thought the “gully creeper” was a vine indigenous to ravines or gorges. What the hell happened? I used to be current; I used to be in the know. Nowadays I rely on the younger persons in my office to keep me up on the new slangs, songs and dances. While I’m not quite ready to admit that I’m getting old, I can’t agree that thirty is the new twenty. Thirty is the same old thirty.

BTW - the "gully creeper" is a dance

Thursday night at the fights

2008-05-13T01:06:00.000-05:00

Last (Thursday) night at the Fights from firstjamaica on Vimeo.

Suddenly cable TV is no longer enough to entertain the residents of Tivoli Gardens on a Thursday night. Instead they’ve turned to street brawling, problem is a lot of the combatants are pre-teens. The bouts are somewhat organized, they wear gloves and fight in a makeshift ring. I just hope that they have to do their homework before they can street fight. I’m no social worker, neither do I have kids myself but I’m guessing that this is only going to make them even more aggressive and prone to violence than they already are. I pray that there’s prize money because I’m sure that none of these kids are on Blue Cross.

Gov't, Opposition to debate capital punishment?

2008-05-10T09:24:00.000-05:00

Really now, what’s there to discuss? I’m guessing they’re undecided about whether it should be hanging, the electric chair or lethal injection. I say hanging, rope is cheap.

Police enforce the Noise Abatement Act

2008-05-09T22:38:00.001-05:00

Police have begun to enforce the 2 a.m. cut-off time for weekly street dances. No complaints here, we the working class have been compromising (more like sacrificing) up until now. There are some Jamaicans who believe it or not actually need rest so that they can function at their jobs. Not all of us have the luxury of sleeping all day and partying all night. I hope this applies to church crusades with overzealous pastors with their loud PA systems.

Bachelor Cuisine

2008-05-08T00:08:00.000-05:00

Grace, that instant porridge is an effing hit!!! I would like to thank you on behalf of all the bachelors who can’t cook but still deserve a warm meal in minutes. I aint talking about the mammas boys who have food for the week stored up in rubbermaid containers courtesy of mom. I’m talking about those of us who only have beer, butter and water in the fridge. Promote the dude who came up with this, give him the office with a view so he can come up with some more "just add water" bachelor cuisine.

MEGAMART, a cult?

2008-05-01T23:54:00.001-05:00

How else do you explain the parking lot always being full, even in the middle of the week during working hours, even with the recent hike in meat and food prices? With the current state of our economy how else can you explain the long lines at the cashier full of middle aged women with trolleys filled to the brim as if they were shopping for an orphanage. Trolleys laden with items that have increased in price by up to 30% since the beginning of last month. I’m not a regular grocery shopper but I’m yet to see the big price difference between them and a regular supermarket. What keeps these shoppers coming back? Just think about it, that’s all I’m saying.